


The path to paradise begins in hell

by DorianWilde



Series: The speed dating AU [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Hale Fire, Fluff, Humor, Laura forces derek to try out speed dating, Laura is Satan, M/M, Romance, Slash, Speed Dating, he is not thrilled, sterek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2013-11-21
Packaged: 2018-01-02 06:49:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DorianWilde/pseuds/DorianWilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jess hit the bell, signaling it was time to move. Derek expected Stiles to get up. Stiles seemed to have other plans, looking expectantly at Derek. A guy was standing awkwardly by the table cradling a cup to his chest. The scene caught Jess' attention, making her march over.</p><p>“You're supposed to-” she began.</p><p>“Hush!” Stiles said dramatically, silencing her. “We're in the middle of a conversation-”</p><p>“Don't you mean monologue?” Derek snarked, fighting a smile.</p><p>“-here. Rude.” He raised a finger at Derek. “You totally said like … five words.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The path to paradise begins in hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bengsi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bengsi/gifts).



> Thirtysomethingwolf prompted: Sterek fic in which Laura bullies Derek into trying out speed dating and Derek ends up across from Stiles and when Derek goes to switch tables Stiles just follows him because he didn’t finish his sentence dammit and they ruin the whole event for everyone except for the two of them.
> 
> I hope you like it!

“ _The path to paradise begins in hell.”_

 _―_ _Dante Alighieri_

 

Laura's first name was in fact Lucifer. Because she was in fact the devil. Derek shoved his hands deeper into his jacket's pockets as he muttered to himself in a high-pitched voice, imitating his sister **.** “It'll be fun, Dear-bear. Besides, Jess is going to be there so don't for a second think you'll get away with getting lost on the way.”

 

He frowned, glaring at the snow covered sidewalk where Laura had dropped him off (insisting on driving him to make sure he couldn't run away). He _had_ been wracking his brain for a way to escape his terrible fate, but since Laura had spies _everywhere_ all plans would undoubtedly have been thwarted.

 

Sighing, he found himself outside the door to _Leia's Diner_ where the speed-dating was going to be held.

 

Good god, they'd put up a picture of a rainbow on the door. Taking a deep breath he pushed it open. He didn't like crowded places, too many smells and too many idiots. This was not an exception. About twenty guys milled about, smelling of sweat and desperation.

 

“Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”Derek raised his eyebrows at the young, pale man who'd spoken. “Sorry, it's just- your face. You looked like- Never mind. I'm just gonna, eh, stand over there.” He gestured vaguely further into the room.

 

“You do that.” Derek braced himself for a long night, steering his steps towards the counter to indulge in something with carbs and lots of calories.

 

-'-'-

 

The first two 'dates' were ... awful didn't really begin to describe them. The first one had just sort of stared at him looking intimidated, heart hammering loud in his chest. And yes, Derek might have glared the poor guy to silence, but if he couldn't handle Derek, then Derek's family would have surely been the end of him.

 

The second guy opened with a pick-up line. Derek wanted to rip his throat out. With his teeth.

 

“It's Dante. What I said earlier. The quote.”Derek blinked, having not realized he'd gotten a new companion. It was the guy from before, who'd fled Derek's questioning eyebrows “It's just, you looked like you were entering hell. Get it?” He cleared his throat, not waiting for Derek to actually answer. “Sooo my buddy Scott forced me here. Because he's blissfully lovey-dovey with his girlfriend, high school sweethearts. I know right?” He shot Derek a hesitant grin. “Anyways, apparently it's not allowed, in this parallel universe Scott lives in, to be single for more than two years. And I'm like, dude, I'm fine, I want to focus on my studies.” The guy was very animated when he spoke, gesturing a lot, face constantly mirroring his thoughts. “I'm in my third year of college, I'm just home for the weekend visiting. I got in to Yale, I demand you be impressed. Wow, that is a _very_ impressed face.” Eye-roll. “What brings you here? Oh, I'm Stiles, by the way. Which I now realized is just what my name tag says,” he finished awkwardly. Derek had in fact not read his name tag, being to busy trying to keep up with the conversation/monologue/whatever.

 

“My sister is Satan.” Derek felt that explained every single awkward and/or unpleasant situation in his life.

 

“Wow, so I wasn't entirely off quoting Dante, then?” Stiles grinned, looking genuinely amused. He had kind eyes. Like Paige's. The thought made him freeze for a second.

 

“I guess not.” Derek finished his hot chocolate, wanting something to do with his hands. It made him uneasy, in a way, that Stiles had made him think of Paige. Then again, he _hadn't_ made him think of Kate, which was a _really_ good thing. Crazy psycho bitch. It was kind of sad – and unhealthy – those two were Derek's two relationship references.

 

Stiles' heart was beating a bit faster than normal, most likely out of nerves. “I study criminology, by the way. In case you were misled by my awesome quoting skills into thinking I was studying literature or something else equally lame. Oh my god, please tell me you're not like a professor in literature. You are, aren't you?” Derek was about to answer when Jess hit the bell, signaling it was time to move. He expected Stiles to get up. Stiles seemed to have other plans, looking expectantly at Derek. A guy was standing awkwardly by the table cradling a cup to his chest. The scene caught Jess' attention, making her march over.

 

“You're supposed to-” she began.

 

“Hush!” Stiles said dramatically, silencing her. “We're in the middle of a conversation-”

 

“Don't you mean monologue?” Derek snarked, fighting a smile.

 

“-here. Rude.” He raised a finger at Derek. “You totally said like … five words.”

 

“Except now it's been four minutes and it's time to move on to the next,” Jess tried again. Stiles got up, then sat back down again.

 

“There, I moved.”

 

Jess opened and closed her mouth, at a loss for words. Derek very much wanted to see a showdown between Stiles and Laura. There would be tears and lots of cursing.

 

Stiles continued talking in a dismissive tone, “I'm sorry but I don't see the problem here.” He promptly turned back to Derek. “So what _do_ you do?”

 

“I'm a mechanic.” Derek thoroughly enjoyed Jess' discomfort, joining Stiles in ignoring her. Stiles' heartbeat had slowed down and he was visibly more relaxed. Well, relaxed with a side of hyperactive.

 

“You know, some people would argue that I drive a piece of junk. I say my jeep is my beloved companion-”

 

“You drive the piece of junk blue jeep just outside, don't you?” Derek had seen it earlier when Laura dropped him off. His fingers had itched to take it apart, piece by piece and put it back together as something less of an abomination to all of car-kind. Jess seemed to have given up on them, leading the poor guy to the table Stiles had dissed. Derek did not feel sorry for either of them.

 

“Don't call her that!” Stiles mock-frowned at him. “So, you're Derek the mechanic with no appreciation for beautiful cars and you sister is the devil. Oh, and you have intimidating eyebrows. Did I miss something?”

 

“I don't drink coffee.” Why ... had he said that? He couldn't find anything more interesting about himself to share? Not that he wanted to share anything. Nope.

 

“So if we technically move in together to live happily ever after we won't have to get a coffeemaker. Good to know for future references,” Stiles deadpanned.

 

“Planning our wedding, are you?” Eyebrow.

 

“Don't worry, I'll leave that to you, honey-bun. Can we invite your sister or will entering a church make her spontaneously combust?”

 

“Let's try and see what happens,” Derek suggested. He realized he was smiling. Stiles was smiling back though so that was fine.

 

They ignored the next sucker, and the next because the asshole tried to interrupt but Stiles was “-in the middle of a sentence, dammit. Now shoo. Anyways, I'm just saying I think fezes and bow ties are underestimated.”

 

“Are you trying to sneak Doctor Who props into this conversation?”

 

“ _Weeeell_ ,” Stiles said, shrugging. “Did you know bananas are a good source of potassium?”

 

By the fourth dismissed guy, Jess was practically frothing at the mouth. She raised her phone threateningly, miming “Laura.” Derek raised his middle finger in response.

 

Stiles cheerfully waved yet another suitor off, urging him to “move along now, kid. The grown-ups are talking.”

 

At this point they were the subject of several glares, the people around them muttering in discontent. A guy actually left, saying he didn't see the point of being here if _some_ people weren't going to follow the rules. Stiles seemed completely oblivious, chattering on about a really funny clip on Youtube he'd seen the other day, and what was Derek's favorite animal anyways?

 

“Wolves.” He didn't add that he might be a bit partial, what with him being one.

 

“Dogs not cool enough for you, eh?” Stiles nudged his leg with his foot and butterflies seemed to have taken up residence in Derek's stomach.

 

“I'm guessing yours is pugs? Something ugly and misunderstood like your jeep.” Derek smirked.

 

“Pfffft. Puh- _lease_. I'm a fox kind of guy. And dude, stop hatin' on my jeep.”

 

“Don't tell me you like _What Does the Fox Say?_ ” That awful song was freaking _everywhere._

 

“It's my ringtone!” Stiles beamed, waiving his blue-clad phone at him. “If you, eh, give me your number I'll make your ringtone _Hungry Like the Wolf?_ ” He suddenly looked nervous.

 

“You better,” was all Derek said, congratulating himself on his hands being steady as he took the phone from Stiles' grasp and entered his number.

 

“Cool.” Stiles let out a long breath. He looked at something over Derek's shoulder. “Beelzebub approaching,” he warned. “There's quite a family resemblance. I'm guessing you're a high ranking demon?”

 

Derek debated for about two seconds before deciding that no, he wasn't mean enough to leave Stiles at Laura's mercy. “If I were, I'd leave you at her mercy. Let's go.”He grabbed Stiles' hand, hastily dragging him towards the emergency exit in the back, away from Laura's evil clutches.

 

“You're my guardian angeeeel,” Stiles laughed. “hiding in the woooods!”

 

“Stop singing or I'll trip you.”

 

______

 **AN** : Currently working on the sequel! Finally! (Sorry guys, I just didn't come up with a plot that I really liked) As usual, I'm posting sneak peaks on [**My Tumblr**](http://wilderambles.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Gifted to Bengsi because she made me spit my cereals when I read her beta-comments.
> 
> [um, sorry, but the only thing I'm seeing is Stiles running away from Derek's eyebrows that's escaped from Derek's face, screaming questions like: Whyyyyyy? And What’s the purpoooose of all this?].
> 
> [THE RETURN OF THE FLEEING EYEBROWS, COMING TO QUESTION OUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE]


End file.
